50 Shades of Filthy, Dirty, Domination

Disclaimer: This blog is going to reveal some plot spoilers about the book 50 Shades of Grey. If you do not want to know what happens, please don't read :)

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I just finished reading the book, 50 Shades of Grey by, E.L. James. I had heard the hype from a good friend of mine who claimed every woman she knows loved it! While I have never chosen a book only for the hype, I was definitely curious what the big deal was with this one...

I had no idea what 50 Shades was about but, I should have had a head's up when I went to purchase the book at my local Barnes & Noble. When I asked the bookseller for a copy of 50 Shades, he simply smiled and said to check the Erotica section. "Wait, what?" I replied. He then checked the computer, while the color filled my cheeks and he said that they were sold out. He told me I could order a copy and they would have it delivered. I declined. Interesting, I thought.

When my copy arrived via a friend who was also feeding her curiosity, I immediately felt the need to hide the book from my children. The cover, with nothing more than a gray tie, seemed harmless, but just the thought of an Erotica Book arriving in my home felt -well, wrong.

I sat up, late on a Friday night, my heart pounding as I began to read. I thought I would immediately be drawn into a sort of romantic novel with mushy declarations of love and wordy love-making scenes. Usually I laugh at those kinds of fake love books, however, what I was drawn into was an underground world that I had heard of, but certainly knew nothing about. I could not believe my eyes when I read the story line including Sadomasicism, domination and abuse. The main characters - business man, Christian Grey and innocent young college grad, Ana seemed harmless enough. But, the story, while somewhat contrived and unbelievable was not even well-written enough to hold my attention. The sex scenes, and you cannot dare call it love-making, were perverse at best, violent and graphic at worst. The story line was disturbing enough for me and I found myself skipping large sections of scene to just get back to the barely there plot. To say I didn't like this book was an understatement. But, what I really didn't like was the statement it was making about abuse, love and women.

Christian Gray, an obviously attractive and successful man, creates a contract to initiate a relationship with his Woman Du Jour. He lays out in a very matter-of-fact way his plans for Domination in all aspects of the relationship and wants his woman to comply. Ana, a young fresh from college girl, falls immediately for the seduction and continues to allow herself to be abused, taken advantage of in a very physical and psychologically demeaning way and then actually falls for the bastard.

The only hook I found at all in the book, was my rooting for her to leave or for Christian to be hit by a bus. She does leave Christian at the end of the story, but given that there are 2 more books to the trilogy I can only assume she goes back for more - as so many abused women do.

Romance and Erotica novels are the number one selling book genre both online and in bookstores among women.

It is a sad state of affairs when women need a fantasy world to fill them up sexually or emotionally. I am not stating that everyone who reads 50 Shades and likes it must have something missing in their lives. Perhaps they just found the plot more intriguing than I did. However, I do find it shocking the sheer number of my female friends - mothers, career women and even grandmothers that have told me how much they loved this book. Many calling it "hot" and "steamy".

It saddens me that a book about dominating women sexually, morally and psychologically can excite and intrigue someone so much. Do we as women, feel so unfulfilled that we need to read about a someone else's great, or in this case disturbing, sex life in order to fill us up? Can't we just talk to our significant other and create our own world of happiness?

I have a friend who works as a marriage counselor and newlywed teacher. She helped me compile an entire outline for a marriage counseling weekend I worked on for a client. Her job is fascinating - she sits down with about-to-married young ladies and talks to them about the ins and outs of a healthy sexual relationship and the meaning of an important aspect to a healthy relationship - Intimacy.

What I think worked for many women in 50 Shades and is a missing component in many relationships, is a fulfilling sexual relationship.  Many women and men do not realize that the key to a healthy sex life is to first create a world of intimacy and then create the physical world.

But, many men and women do not know how or where to create this intimacy in a relationship. The physical is the only part that they focus on and the relationship quickly begins to falter. Pent up anger or resentment builds and partners turn to romance novel, pornography or even other partners to fill them up.

Many men portrayed in movies provide flowers or a piece of jewelry and instantly there is enough chemistry to create beautiful scenes of lovemaking. This is just not reality and women know it, so they turn to books or movies to live vicariously through those 'scenes', instead of creating those 'scenes' at home. Dr V who is also a therapist, believes that without intimacy you create a physical realm without an emotional one. Romance novels create a physical world that is also full of caring, loving, handsome men showering their women with gift, flowers and the most important component missing in many relationships- lines of open communication and words of appreciation and love. Women who are lacking emotional connection with their partner often don't know how to ask for it to improve. There are plenty of books, therapists and even whole seminar programs devoted to the topic of intimacy and bringing this back into your life or introducing it if it hasn't been there all along.

Here are some suggested points from Dr. V to get started for further reading so you don't have to read about intimacy and hot relationships, you can actually have one!


http://www.gottman.com/ - Excellent work done by Relationship Institute's Dr. Gottman
http://www.marsvenus.com/ John Gray is a leader in building intimacy and healthy relationships for decades
http://www.amazon.com/Communication-Miracles-Couples-Effective-Conflict/dp/1573240834 A recommended read for improving communication skills and having an 'effective fight'

Happy Reading!

A Walk On the Wild Side

This past week, my husband and I experienced a time space continuum of life before, during and after the kids. After we packed up our tiny suitcases smooshed with clothing, tucked our little ones to bed and said goodbye to our not so little ones, we jetted off for 5 days of  both weirdness and vacation in Boston.

My husband, Daniel, had a business trip scheduled for a week in Massachusetts, our old home town, so I decided to tag along. My parents were gracious enough to stay with our brood while we traveled and all the stars seemed aligned.

On the rare occasions that we have traveled away from our children, it has been only for a night. The amount of time it takes to unwind from the prepping and planning of just the one night, it is barely enough time to enjoy each others company before its time to go back to the world of reality. But, here we were faced with a 5 day, four night, blank screen with our children well cared for by the grandparents.

Initially, weeks prior, panic set in. Four children times four carpools mixed with a dance class, a tutoring session, a class trip and lunch duties were an awful lot to coordinate - it just barely seemed worth the efforts. I almost bowed out, twice. But, my husband reassured me that giving ourselves time would make us better, more effective and loving parents. I had my doubts.

As the days grew closer, the panic grew from freaking out, into a sort of excitement I had not experienced in a very long time. As a teenager who cannot sleep the night before a trip, I too lay awake listing in my head all of the components of my children's schedule (for the 900th time) and making sure that I did not forget any minute detail. I made my parents absolutely batty with lists, but by the time I sat next to Daniel on the plane my bundle of nerves began to dissipate. It had been only one other time in nearly 17 years since my husband and I  had sat side by side alone on an airplane. Comically, the family in front of us had two children aboard to remind us of the luck we had in traveling alone. As we sat and listened to the two children singing and laughing (and complaining) we just sighed and smiled to ourselves.

When we arrived late, exhausted, to our beautiful hotel - I realized that we had a blessing of an opportunity here! I could lay in my bed, with no one knocking at the door, no guitar playing in the room beneath me, no little person sneaking in next to me mid-night, no one last thing before bed. Just me and Daniel and no one else. And then...boom, boom, boom. The joke was on us! Apparently, only once a year downtown Boston becomes a rocking, frolicking wonderland of noise and partying and we chose this day. The Boston Marathon was the following morning and we got the pre-party until 4 am. Setback, yes. But, still I was determined to enjoy my lovely vacation.

The next day was odd. Daniel went off to his meeting and there I was, in my pajamas at 7 am with absolutely nothing to do. It was so strange. At first, I just stood in the room, looking around. I wasn't sure where to begin. So, I started small. The bathroom. It is a small pleasure only a mother knows, that she can go to the bathroom - uninterrupted! I then got dressed and decided to check out my surroundings. After walking for a while in a beautiful springy downtown Boston day, I met Daniel for lunch. I checked in on my children via cellphone and walked some more. An old bookstore I used to visit years ago appeared like an old friend and I went inside. It was as if I were in a time warp. 22 year old Sara, standing in that bookstore pushing baby #1 in his stroller. The memories of my young motherhood came rushing back to me.

As I spent each day, relishing the time I had alone to think, eat, walk and write and then hang out with Daniel each evening, it reminded me of a time when it was just the two of us. As we had children right away, this was not a long time for just the two of us, but still - even when it was the three of us, we were young, so full of insecurities and poorer than a field mouse, but love and hope carried us through. Here we were fifteen years and four children later, just the two of us again in Boston. Again, the time warp grabbed hold of me.

On day three I decided to meet an old friend I had not seen since 1997. We had been friends since the second grade. I don't usually have or make time to visit old friends and this was a relished, rare opportunity. When Malka walked in it was as if we were 15 again, sitting discussing our families, our boys and then eventually our children and our mid-mommy crisis. It was an amazing opportunity to reconnect. Our husbands joined us rounding out the meeting at the end.

I found by day five I was ready to get back to my Real World, where my children fill up my days and most of my nights and Daniel and I squeeze in what we can. Part of me was slightly saddened that we lost that ability to be just the two of us as we got on the Flight Back to Reality. I could already sense a shift in the cab ride home from the talk of just us, to the talk of our schedules and our children. But, as we drove closer to home the feeling of excitement to hug my babies came rushing into my heart. I literally leaped from the cab and ran into my house. The running greets I received at the door made that moment heaven on earth.

That night as I lay in my bed, 2 am with my littlest one curled up next to me, I felt the words come to me : This is my Happy Place. Daniel was right, getting away together even for just a little while does make us better, more effective and loving parents. It also gives us clarity into where we came from as a couple and how we will come together again when the children fly the coop. Here's to my Happy Place, right here at home, until then...

"You Can't Always Get What You Want, But if You Try Sometimes, You Just Might Get What You Need." - The Rolling Stones

Walking around my house, I often feel the "I needs..." take over. I sit in my living room and peek over to the left - I need a new couch, the one I currently own has a big ole stain in the middle. Then, I pass by my hallway mirror and grab a quick peek Woah, I need to lose 10 lbs! I stroll upstairs to put away my laundry. I tuck my children's clothing neatly in their drawers, then on to my husband's pile. When I realize I have only my underwear to put away, I say to myself, I really need to go shopping for some new clothes! 

After laundry, I get into my car to pickup my toddler at preschool. Wow, I really need a new car. Look at all this rust! It's been making a clinging noise and probably needs something else with 124,000 miles on it...I stop at a red light on a main street near my house. I glance over at a really green lawn, gleaming with perfect rows of flowers already lined up on the first nice day of the year! I could really use a nice garden like that. I need to learn how to garden and get a greener thumb. 


I pick up my very happy daughter from school. She chats all the way home. I could really use a nap. I need to get more sleep. On to a quick grocery trip. I look into my cart after a trip with a toddler. My carb-filled cart stares back at me with guilt. I really need to start healthier eating!


I pop the groceries in the trunk, buckle in and return back to the house. Another red light. It has started to rain. I need to get new windshield wipers! As I watch the streaks back and forth, back and forth on my window. I stop at Walgreen's where I forgot to pickup a prescription. I need to be more on top of things!!

As I wait in line with my tired toddler on my shoulder I over hear a conversation between the clerk and a teenage girl in front of me.

"But it's for my son! He's only two. He has a terrible cough and the doctor said he needs this humidifier!! Please, I only have twenty on me." she pleads.

The clerk has told her he's sorry, but he can't do anything. Twice.

She starts to cry and crumples her twenty back into her pocket.

I drop my prescription on the counter and quickly pay. On instinct I follow this girl to the parking lot. I need to help her. "Excuse me, but, can I help you pay for that humidifier?" I begin. "Uh, no lady. Thanks. It's okay."  I need to help her. 


"I know this sounds weird, but I actually have two humidifiers in my house. If you wait here, I live right around the corner. I can go home and grab one. Be back here in 10 minutes."

She looks at me like I am from another planet. I start to realize, I sound a little crazed.

"Um, okay. I guess. But, if you're not back in 10 I've gotta get home. My mom has to get back to work. I can't be out much longer." she responds. She definitely think's I am a weirdo.

I run home at the speed of light. Determined to get this girl her humidifier in record time. I grab my 3 year old, run into the house - grab the humidifier and run back to Walgreens.

I pull into the lot, 7 minutes.

She's there. Waiting. Playing with her nose ring. With a huge smile on her face!

I hand her the humidifier and she bursts into tears. "You have no idea how nice this is. You really helped my son. He's got a horrid cough and hasn't slept in days. My mom can't stay long with me and we're trying to work things out on our own. I can't function if I don't have sleep. I'm trying to finish my GED studying so I can get into college next fall. I really, really appreciate this." She hugs me. I hug my new stranger-friend back.

I get back into my car. I don't really notice the rust anymore, or the mileage. I smile and talk to my little girl for the first time appreciating her cuteness all day. I don't need that nap and I just think I got exactly what I needed all day.